We all have some underlying concerns that we grapple with. Concerns that limit us. I am sharing with you a personal story of one such concern and what it took to break-free.
Since my teenage years, I have been generous on my scale. Adolescence is not very kind, anyway. Self-deprecating humour makes for a great defence strategy. A strategy that I employed in large measures unknowingly. Although I am blessed with genes that render me attractive, there always is self-doubt. I have been on several diet plans with varying levels of commitment and results. Paid annual memberships to gyms that in the beginning were partially put to use. Later they were charity. Much like Aerobics, Zumba and whichever fad did the rounds. When I contracted jaundice and typhoid simultaneously I exclaimed in joy in the doctors chamber for that was my ticket to shedding kilos. Alas! that didn’t happen in the measures I expected, instead I developed an appetite for paranthas that I otherwise never ate. In fact, I was once even prescribed medication that was said to aid weight loss. I have tried homeopathy too. My medical records are squeaky clean so there is nothing I can pin it on. Sometimes I wished for it to not be so, so I could have my excuse. Even when I would see some results with intense efforts, they never lasted long enough. It didn’t help that my efforts had to be disproportionately more than others. It was the classic yo yo. Am not surprised at the number of wardrobes I need to cater to all my fluctuations. I set limitations on myself, about what I could do, about what I could wear. I set boundaries that affected me. It only became worse with years.
The irony is that when I look back at my pictures I realise that I was just fine! That my years spent in being so conscious will not come back. I was too hard on myself. I judged myself in ways I could never share or express to anyone. I judged myself before others could. To voice this would have left me vulnerable and exposed then. Fat people don’t like being exposed! I know this might come as a surprise to those who know me. What can I say, there is a lot more to people than meets the eye.
What changed?
I took a break. Last year I decided to take time-off from my professional pursuits. No agenda at all. Free wheeling. To do things I love. To figure what I love. To get bored. When was the last time you made ample time for yourself? No not a quick fix weekend. As far as I can remember even summer vacations had assignments. Life since has been about juggling academics, career, relationships, family- its been busy. Well that changed so did my mindset.
The impact of taking a break is not immediate. It is tacit in many ways. In fact, I went through an epic low of oversized clothes, binge eating -almost expected when home. Being a homebody like me meant less of socialising, a very slippery slope.
Then something transformed. I owe that to my love for introspection. I love to spring clean but do poorly on giving away my clothes. But that day I pulled out clothes that were smaller and set them aside for charity. I wondered what I had been thinking all these years. Even if I did fit back into them why would I not buy myself new clothes. Indulge myself. Treat myself. Wear what is in vogue. I let go.
My scale is the most generous to me as of now. But my perspective is lending me wings. I am eating home cooked food- thanks to covid (silver lining), have become predominantly vegetarian and workout regularly. I do get disheartened when despite all this the scale does not budge in my favor. However, I feel healthier. I feel fitter. I have better stamina. And for once am focusing on quality (life) over quantity (scale).
So my recommendation to you is give yourself a break!
Curio-Cities by Dilpreeta Vasudeva 